remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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