I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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