Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
