Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
