Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
