How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think I sprained my soul last night
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
