okay pat passed out under dana's car
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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