You made me cry and you don't even care
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
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I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.