I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?