my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"