How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
