i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
