the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
