Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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