My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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