Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
