Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
