my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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