Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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