I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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