he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
