Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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