if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
