I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
