Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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