dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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