I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
