You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my liver is dry heaving
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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