someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize