i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
