Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
