You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
