id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
