you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
