Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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