Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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