"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
is that a dick in a sweater?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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