I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
