I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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