I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
