I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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