I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
