Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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