I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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