I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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