He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
