I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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