I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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