Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
