I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
