I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
