Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
