Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
