Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
