her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
