I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
