Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
