you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
