I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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