mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
