are you still at the devil's house?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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